The realization of a quiet mind is humanity’s eternal quest, hidden in the depths of the inner being. To find the peaceful side of life is to understand the purpose of existence. When we are at ease, our mind can be compared to a reflection on a lake on a peaceful day, mirroring everything around it. Yet, when we are troubled by the various aspects of existence, our thoughts and emotions are affected, disturbing the reflection on the lake’s surface. As a result, nothing returns to us as the original image. Even when the surface of the lake is moving, the core of it remains still, as within each of us there is some peaceful essence.
All of us have undergone societal conditioning, which has required our adjustment. Sadly, this often involves harsh treatment by our caregivers and those closest to us. Each time we need to suppress our impulses, something inside us changes, becomes differentiated, and splits. When we were held close by our mothers during breastfeeding, our primal instincts ruled our consciousness. In this setting, greed was our dominant emotion, which could have led to sucking too hard or even biting, causing our mothers pain. This often led to her protecting herself, sometimes with a grim expression. To our undeveloped brains, such a harsh view of our mothers could have led to a distrust of our instincts.
In one psychological study, a mother and her 1.5-year-old child were seated on the floor, playing with toys. After a period of time, the mother was instructed to avoid all contact with the child while still being present. She was told not to speak, look at, or respond to anything the child might do. Within seconds of her withdrawal, the child became distressed. After 30 seconds, the child was agitated, uncertain, and worried. After 60 seconds, the child was visibly unsettled, with panic in his eyes as he clung to his mother, fearing she would leave him forever. It was also apparent that the mother, fulfilling the requirements of the study, was becoming distressed as well.
The entire experiment, including the withdrawal of affection, lasted only 90 seconds! Yet, when the child returned to the psychological center a few years later, he immediately displayed sadness, agitation, and nervousness.
Life operates under the principle of cause and effect. Such experiments reveal the reasons behind the things we like or dislike. This simple yet distressing activity demonstrates that our preferences have been conditioned—whether we prefer apples or pears, certain types of music, specific movies, the way we decorate our homes, the partners we choose, or our relationship with sleep, food, sex, money, etc. All of these have been conditioned.
We rarely take the time to understand our preferences or vices. We often accept them as part of who we are, but we are much more than that.
Theories of Parts, Internal Family Systems, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) all recognize that there are parts within us that are locked away. These parts can be emotions we have not expressed, stored in our bodies, or embedded in our personalities to help us cope with similar situations.
We all know someone who behaves differently under the influence of a certain stimulus. Whether this person is 15 or 75 years old, when the conditions resemble those of a past experience in which a split occurred, that part of their personality takes over. Sometimes this lasts only minutes, other times even weeks or months. Nearly all of us face this challenge. We are familiar with the concept of Multiple Personality Disorder from films like The Three Faces of Eve, Fight Club, Me, Myself & Irene, or more recently, Split. This disorder is truly challenging for the person suffering from it, but for most of us, the experience is less dramatic. Throughout our lives, we have needed certain parts of ourselves to take over temporarily, often during dissociation. For example, someone who experienced terror during war might try to put the atrocities behind them once they return to civilian life. However, until those experiences are processed, understood, and integrated into the psyche, they will resurface when the person encounters emotions similar to those they experienced during the war.
If we want to achieve inner peace, we need to take the time to understand the forces behind our actions, preferences, and fears.
Once we have closely examined the specifics of our lives, we can begin to integrate these parts of ourselves. The better we understand and emotionally process grief, fear, hate, or anger, the more unified we can become.
This does not mean that we will extinguish these parts of ourselves or remove those experiences and their corresponding emotions. Instead, we will become aware of the lessons they hold, even if they are painful. By doing so, we will slowly gain control over them and prevent them from overtaking our conscious mind when we are triggered.
Simple techniques, such as mindful body scans or attentive breathing, can be extremely beneficial in calming our unsettled state. Today, I would like to share a technique that I have found very helpful in processing unwanted memories, thoughts, or experiences.
Use the format below to reflect on what has happened to you, how you perceive it, and how it makes you feel.
This is a simple exercise, but it has the potential to relieve some of the mental heaviness from your chest and bring you closer to understanding yourself.
I wish you a peaceful experience! With Love Tomek
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